People truly hate Matt Gaetz, but it might not matter.

"There are pools of vomit with more to offer," says one fellow conservative.

A young white and orange cat lying atop a cat tree next to a window with the shade drawn.

Not a single one of you responded with a foolproof solution to my internet addiction, and now Thursday's newsletter has come out on Friday. I hope you're pleased with yourselves. Friday's newsletter will follow shortly. It's a fun one, something a little different.

The big political news of the last few days has been President-elect Donald Trump's Cabinet selections. The one that has received the most attention is his nomination of Republican Congressman Matt Gaetz for attorney general of the United States, primarily because Gaetz is being investigated for having sex with underage girls, but also because he is an enormous tool. I am not taking a cheap shot there—so many people hate this guy, so many that it's hard to believe they could all be wrong. Even the people you hate hate Matt Gaetz. Ben Domenech is a conservative commentator and a co-founder of The Federalist, a right-wing website famous for publishing countless outright lies and at least one op-ed defending GOP Senate candidate Roy Moore for dating 14-year-old girls while in his thirties. Domenech (who is also Meghan McCain's husband, incidentally) published a post today headlined "Matt Gaetz is a Vile Sex Pest and Any Senator Who Votes For Him Owns That," which opens thusly:

(Content warning for inappropriate language ahead.)

I realize that we are occasionally given to hyperbole about the untoward nature of politicians, but let me be clear: Matt Gaetz is a sex trafficking drug addicted piece of shit. He is abhorrent. His eyes are permanently rimmed with the red rings of chemical boosters. In person, he smells like overexposed Axe Body Spray and stale Astroglide. The fact that he boasted on the floor to multiple colleagues in the House of Representatives of his methods of crushing Viagra and high test Red Bull to maintain his erection through his orgiastic evenings is perhaps the least offensive of his many crimes against womanhood and Christian faith. The man has less principles than your average fentanyl addicted hobo. He likes them underage and he’s not ashamed about it. Matt Gaetz isn’t just your average extreme Florida MAGA Man, he’s a hypocritical ass with the worst Botox money can buy, pursuing an ever-thinner nose and higher cheekbones at every opportunity like a Real Housewife gone mad for fillers. Every Republican in Washington has an opinion about Matt Gaetz, and 99 percent of those opinions are “Keep Matt Gaetz away from my wife/daughter/friend and anyone I care about.” He is a walking genital, warts included as a bonus. If I was merely attempting to count the number of women I know who have had bad experiences with Matt Gaetz, I would run out of fingers and toes. If you vote for him to be the Attorney General of the United States, you don’t just need your head examined, you need to be committed to a mental institution. The man is absolutely vile. There are pools of vomit with more to offer the earth than this STD-riddled testament to the failure of fallen masculinity.

Again, that's from someone on Gaetz's side. Al Franken once said of his fellow U.S. senator Ted Cruz, "I probably like Ted Cruz more than most of my colleagues like Ted Cruz, and I hate Ted Cruz." Matt Gaetz makes Ted Cruz look like Chris Dardis. (If you didn't go to Fargo South High School in the early 1990s, Chris Dardis was in the class a year ahead of mine and very well liked. Just a super nice dude.)

Quote-tweet by @meredithllee: I’m looking at a House Republican who is laughing so hard in a group of members that he’s wiping away tears. Quoted tweet by @bresreports: Safe to say that GOP senators are stunned -  not in a good way - on Matt Gaetz for Attorney General. November 13, 2024.
@meredithllee

Given that Gaetz is near-universally unpopular and deeply unqualified to run the Department of Justice (he practiced law for a few years in the Florida panhandle before following his dad into politics), will the Senate confirm him as attorney general? It's hard to say. I think this assessment is correct: Part of the reason Donald chose Gaetz is to dare Republican senators to deny him. To date, I don't know that congressional Republicans have ever said no to Donald. So I wouldn't count Gaetz out. If he is confirmed, it will be interesting to see what happens next. Donald's previous attorneys general, Jeff Sessions and Bill Barr, were staunch conservatives, but they had the credentials and experience for the job. I'm not sure how the attorneys who make up the DOJ's rank and file will feel about working for a guy who's been the subject of multiple House Ethics Committee investigations and once tweeted that Democrats should defund the FBI.

Donald's other notable choices for his incoming Cabinet include Fox News host and war-crimes advocate Pete Hegseth for defense secretary; former Democratic Representative Tulsi Gabbard for Director of National Intelligence (she has never worked in the intelligence field, unless you count maybe being a Russian asset); and of course, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. to lead the Department of Health and Human Services. Among other things, Kennedy is aching to remove fluoride from Americans' drinking water, because he is an insane 70-year-old nepo baby. (You really don't want to remove fluoride from drinking water, unless you hate your children's teeth.) All this would almost be entertaining if there weren't a bunch of other things to worry about, like the ocean current system that carries heat into the North Atlantic collapsing.

Good to Know

Nothing has really happened, but folks online have been all aflutter lately over Donald's promise to end birthright citizenship in the United States. If he did it, it would mean that children born here no longer automatically became U.S. citizens, if their parents weren't already. It's the kind of thing that sounds appealing and straightforward if, say, you think too many undocumented Hispanic immigrants are having "anchor babies," but that also has the potential to cause a lot of problems.

In case you didn't hear, The Onion bought conspiracy theorist Alex Jones's company Infowars, which was sold at a bankruptcy auction. (Jones had to file for bankruptcy because first, he kept insisting that the 2012 Sandy Hook school shooting was a hoax; and second, instead of fighting the lawsuit against him like a normal rich person, he and his attorneys acted like brats.) It sounds like there could be a hitch—there's a hearing next week about it—but assuming things do move forward, Onion CEO Ben Collins has said the new owners have some fun plans. They're already running Everytown for Gun Safety ads above the Infowars logo.

And in news a little closer to home, I've added a contact page to the newsletter website. There's a form on it, in case you want to share something with me without revealing your identity. I revised the about page too.

The Fun Part

You're singing an entire song about Jimmy cracking corn and you expect us to believe you don't care? He's living rent-free in your head. —@gonebabygone.bsky.social, November 14, 2024
@gonebabygone.bsky.social‬
Illustration of a hand with its index finger poked through the hole of a bagel, holding it steady as a serrated knife cuts through it.
@sages.org
Sorry I didn't respond to your text, I’ve been busy ignoring reality to keep myself from going insane —@viktorwinetrout.bsky.social, November 13, 2024
@viktorwinetrout.bsky.social‬

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