Five—count ’em, five—real ideas for last-minute gifts

Oof, I am not feeling this today. The snow is gently falling, it's the Thursday before Christmas break—which, if you squint, basically means break has started—and the living room, where I am currently perched, is clean and picked up, because I cleaned and picked it up yesterday. No one is home. I want to close the computer, turn on the television, and watch Die Hard.

But when I courageously launched this newsletter so many months ago (was it this year or last? I can't recall), I said it would come out Monday through Friday, relentlessly, except on federal holidays and my birthday, and I'm not about to go back on my word. So here are five ideas for last-minute holiday gifts, if you're not as on top of things this year as you all can tell I am.

Good Poems, edited by Garrison Keillor

The woke mob canceled Garrison Keillor a few years ago, not for always singing tunelessly along with A Prairie Home Companion's musical guests, as would have been meet and just, but because of a Minnesota Public Radio investigation into "dozens of sexually inappropriate incidents" he allegedly committed in the workplace (which sounds pretty reasonable of the woke mob, to be honest). I'm not defending his behavior, and I wouldn't, say, support him financially now by seeing him in his live show on the road, which he is apparently still doing. (I probably wouldn't do that even if he hadn't been canceled, though.)

But each of us contains multitudes, and Keillor's multitudes apparently include both "creepy sender of emails" and "great ear for appealing poetry," so I would still recommend his 2003 anthology Good Poems, and am doing so, here in this newsletter. The poems in this collection come from a wide but not overwhelming selection of poets, mostly English-speaking but some translated; they lean contemporary, but there are plenty of older works too. What they have in common is that you do not have to be particularly in love with poetry to enjoy them. If someone likes to read, they will dig reading these. They're just good poems! This is a great book to keep on the side table and leaf through when you're bored, or even to keep in the bathroom.

Alas, Amazon can't get the original version to you for Christmas (you may have more luck with Bookshop or B&N if you're set on it), but you still have time to order the 2006 follow-up, Good Poems for Hard Times. Depending on how you and your giftee are feeling about 2025, maybe that will even be more appropriate.

🛒 Good Poems for Hard Times (paperback), $11.69 at Amazon

ResQMe emergency car escape tool

We have one of these in our car. It hangs from the rearview mirror, and if God forbid I ever drove off a bridge into a frozen lake (and it would probably be me who did that, not Julia), I could yank it down, use it to cut myself loose from my seat belt, and then use it again to shatter my window and swim free from the car, giving me time to catch my breath before going back for the children. Will I ever need this? I sure hope not. But it's under ten bucks, it doesn't clutter up the house, and if I did need it, I would sure be glad I had it.

🛒 ResQMe, $8.16 at Amazon, or $16.13 for a two-pack

Gnomes, by Wil Huygen and Rien Poortvliet

I know you know this book; it's been around since 1977. And if you know this book, you know everyone should have this book—because it is mostly about gnomes, but it is not only about gnomes. It's got useful information about goblins, it's gonna tell you all about trolls, and there is even a page where you can see a gnome lady topless. (The authors were European.)

🛒 Gnomes (hardcover), $17.50 at Amazon

Cone-shaped ice scrapers

If you or your giftee live and drive in North Dakota, Minnesota, Wisconsin, or anywhere else beset by snowy, freezing weather at least a few months out of the year, I cannot recommend these windshield scrapers enough. Yes, you probably want to get a few, because they will break eventually, if you scrape too vigorously. Yes, the spiky end part will keep falling off. No, you will not remember that the scraper doubles as a funnel on the one occasion you need a funnel. But that first time you are attacking a heavy layer of ice with maximum ergonomic effectiveness, instead of coming at it weakly from the side—phew! I said goddamn.

🛒 Scraper cones, pack of three, $27.99 at Amazon

Plastic playing cards

I love giving gifts, but I hate giving people stuff that will take up room, especially if it never gets used. So one of my tricks is to give people nicer versions of things they already have, or should have. Most folks keep a deck or two of playing cards around, and four out of five times (a figure I am completely making up), they're the standard paper kind you can pick up at any convenience store. Plastic cards are waterproof and way more durable, easier to shuffle, and a worthwhile, inexpensive investment that everyone can find a place for.

🛒 Copag plastic playing cards (poker size), two decks, $19.95 at Amazon

(I am not affiliated with any of the products shared above; they're just things I like and have given as gifts. I do believe I will get a small amount of money if you click any of those links and place an order.)

💡 Good to Know

The Musk shutdown. Republicans who control the House of Representatives are scrambling to pass a bill to avoid a government shutdown over Christmas. They had a bill, and Democrats on board to pass it—and then Elon Musk started tweeting, ordering Republicans to drop it and throwing in some weird lies about what was in the legislation. Now House GOP members are saying there's a new deal. Hope so—otherwise, some government employees get to show up and work over the holidays without pay.

Whom did we elect? On a related note: The president-elect's team wants us to know that Donald Trump is definitely in charge. He is not at all sensitive about Democrats and the media claiming that Musk is actually calling the shots. (So I guess Trump is taking credit for the looming shutdown? Smart.) If God loves us, maybe these guys will have a falling-out and Elon will die in a mysterious, stair-related accident, like Ivana totally did. It would be so funny if Trump had him buried at a golf course in New Jersey and wouldn't let anyone move him.

A stopped clock. Part of this latest funding deal is that Musk and Trump suddenly decided they want Congress to eliminate the debt ceiling. This…is not a bad idea? But I suspect their specific reasons for wanting to do it are bad. Looks like the new funding bill might not eliminate the ceiling, but would suspend it for a couple years.

😎 The Fun Part

Having a Normal One comes out Monday through Friday. Sign up for a free trial subscription. Posts are free to read after one day at normalnewsletter.net.

Hit me up at joshwimmer@gmail.com with questions, suggestions, thoughts and feelings, tips, and politely worded corrections and criticism. If you think someone would be interested in this newsletter, forward it to them.